Do I have cats. Three at the present. Don’t judge me, only one was actually voluntarily acquired. The other two acquired me and the husband, just barged right in and decided to stay. You see, with cats, it’s not as if you have a choice. Even when they love you they will always leave you flat for a) food, b) a warm spot, c) scratchies. You see, they’re not really bad, they’re just drawn (to everything else) that way.
Hay hay hay Gracie steel Gwen’s laztop! Why is? Me show no thik 2 be famuz cept lay on futstool and gape mouf cute-like-ish! Hee hee haa haa me LMAO in wate in see how long dis pix take to make us Innernets censashun! Not long metinks sphessly wit Gwen be a—HAY!!!!!!!
Excuse me, cat? This is my laptop. Do you mind??
Sheesh, I’m not gone two seconds, and this little minx steals my soapbox. Well, you know what they say about while the mice are… Anyway, just too busy finishing a book before my self-imposed deadline, to write anything intelligible outside plot. So bear with me until next week while suffering through this cute cat picture. Lame, I know, but what the hell.
I’ll have the house to myself all day, so I’ll get up at the crack of dawn and hit my desk by 6:00 AM. I’ll mute my phone, ignore my email, and do nothing but write. Oooh! I love it when I can work in my jammies.
5:30 – Alarm rings. Roll over, hit snooze.
5:31 – Cat finds ball. Ignore tinkly bell and fall back asleep.
5:40 – Alarm rings again. Cat jumps on face. Swat at cat. Miss cat. Knock over alarm. Alarm stops by default. Pull pillow over head. Fall back to sleep.
5:44 – Dream of jingle bells.
5:49:58 – Cat pulls curtain and curtain rod from window, knocks alarm from night table.
5:50 – Alarm rings. Give up, get up and go to bathroom. Tinkly sound emanates from bedroom.
5:55 – Feed cat.
5:58 – Bowl of Cheerios and sliced banana. Get newspaper while cereal soggies.
6:03 – 6:14 – Front page, editorials, comics, horoscope. Take vitamins.
6:15 – 6:19 – “Morning Joe.”
6:20 – 6:47 – Switch to TCM while “Joe” is on a commercial break and become embroiled in pre-code Jean Harlow/Clark Gable rom-com until cat leaps into window at neighbor’s cat reminding you to look toward wall clock.
6:48 – Make cup of tea; visit bathroom while waiting for water to boil, turning on laptop en route. Brush teeth. Spy book on dresser on the way out. Finish reading chapter started the night before.
6: 54 – Return book to dresser.
6:55 – Retrieve tea and head toward office.
6:56 – Visit several email accounts and return email, re: 3 student crises, web course designer, critique partner. Email agent. Sneak peek at Facebook, Twitter, tweet, favorite. Check website.
7: 18 – Bring up work-in-progress. Shrink work-in-progress. Bring up FreeCell. One therapeutic game to get brain functioning. Or two. Three. Four at the most.
7:39 – Bring up work-in-progress. Remember need to look up legal term first. Shrink WIP; go online, homepage, CNN. Check if world blew up the night before. Switch to Google. Find term. Tweet. Check email. Answer email. One more FreeCell. Return to WIP.
8:07 – Emergency email from critique partner. Forestall imminent artistic self-thrashing and proceed to email buck-up. Email is replied to in less than a minute. Send another buck-up complete with happy emoticons. Check Twitter.
8:47 – Return to WIP. Stomach growls. Go to kitchen and make toast, toss cat teeth crunchy treats. Stare out window at trash truck across the lake as toast toasts. Remember forgot to put out trash. Run out door in robe. Return to smoke alarm blaring from toast stuck in toaster. Open windows. Toss toast. Fan.
9:05 – Return to office. Email from agent. Needs immediate proposal for prospective editor. Panic but produce passable proposal in less than ten minutes. Return to WIP, but first retreat to kitchen for cube of 72% cacao dark chocolate while entertaining visions of NYT Bestseller Glory. Return to office and WIP. See cat had jumped on keyboard and now there’s kmsadslvy]e0-vn’aey9-3 rya2932f all over page 78. 79. 80. 81———————
9:16 – 9:19 – Clean up WIP. Phone rings. Seems forgot to mute phone.
9:20 – 9:51 – Chat and play solitaire.
9:52 – Return to WIP. Take sip of tea, notice it’s cold. Go to kitchen to reheat tea. While heating eat forkful of cold spaghetti from fridge. One more. Another. Mmmm….
9:58 – Return to office. Pick up hand weights. Lift. Throw out back. Lay on floor to stretch. Cat jumps on stomach. Yelp. Swat at cat. Miss. Cat circles head, purring. Melt.
10:10 – Remember forgot tea in microwave. Go to kitchen to retrieve. Spy calendar and see it’s wrong day for trash on my street. Go to street to retrieve trash can so don’t look like an idiot. Return to kitchen and retrieve tea. Cold again. Check MSNBC on TV as tea reheats. Go to HBO during commercial break.
Noon – Get up to retrieve tea as credits roll for “Get Him to the Greek.” Dump tea; go to fridge and retrieve pot of spaghetti from fridge. Take to office, shrink WIP and go to Slate.com and read “Dear Prudence” while eating cold pasta with fingers. Phone rings. Still forgot to mute. Chat while licking fingers.
12:49 – Find Lindt Dark Chocolate Truffle from old Christmas stash in desk while rearranging desk tray while still on the phone. Eat, toss wrapper at trash. Miss.
12:50 – Cat finds missed wrapper. Grabs in mouth. Runs from room.
12:51 – Hear a crashing sound from bedroom. Ring off phone. Go to bedroom. Jewelry box and entire contents is now on floor, truffle wrapper on top. Scoop contents, return to box, return box to dresser. Toss wrapper. Cat missing. Eye bed, still unmade.
12:52 – Call day a wash. Return to bed. Bed never so comfortable…
12: 59 – Cat finds ball.